i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We have started to decorate penises.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
