i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
