You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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