Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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