Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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