My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
And then he peed in my hair
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