swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
