I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
