Jerry, you need to find god
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
