Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
