I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
