I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
