I have demons in me.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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