If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You had me at "let me see your balls"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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