ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
