Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
