why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
