Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
