you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
