Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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