the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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