He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
