Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
