I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
