you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
