community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
