got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
