You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
