I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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