Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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