She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
