it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
