just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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