If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
