Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
