i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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