I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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