I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
