I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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