just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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