Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
