so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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