It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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