if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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