also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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