i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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