some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
