The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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