he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
