Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
